


i swore i'd never fall again (but this doesn't even feel like falling)

by mochitiger



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Dancer Kim Jongin | Kai, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Panic Attacks, Jongin’s Birthday Week 2021, M/M, Mentioned Byun Baekhyun, Slice of Life, Teacher Do Kyungsoo | D.O
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29839284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochitiger/pseuds/mochitiger
Summary: Jongin likes to believe he is a practical person. Rational. Logical.He is not sure if he is capable of love.orOn the day Jongin decides to divorce his husband, he finds love.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 13
Kudos: 65
Collections: Challenge #14 — We Artist Baby!





	i swore i'd never fall again (but this doesn't even feel like falling)

Jongin wakes up and decides: _I will divorce Kyungsoo._

He turns his head, watches his husband of only six months sleeping peacefully, dark lashes against full cheeks, plump lips slightly parted. He feels a hand crushing his heart, but he wills it down. _It is for the best,_ he tells himself over and over again. He pushes the covers aside, as silent as possible, making his way to the bathroom.

He knows he isn’t the best husband for Kyungsoo. In fact, he does not understand how they got together in the first place, how they got married. Kyungsoo is a wonderful person; they had met at the academy when Kyungsoo was the substitute as the vocal classes teacher when Baekhyun went on honeymoon, and Jongin is lying if he denied he might have stumbled through his dance routines as the owl-eyed man watched him perform.

Jongin lets the hot water cascade down on him. Today, he will tell Kyungsoo. He is only doing it for the both of them. He will not let Kyungsoo be tied down in a loveless marriage. 

  
  
  
  


“Hi. Breakfast is ready,” Kyungsoo’s deep yet cheerful voice greeted him. He got up and prepared breakfast while Jongin was in the shower. The smell of coffee wafts through, and Kyungsoo’s warm smile thaws Jongin’s heart. He pads over and kisses his forehead as his husband hugs his waist.

“Good morning, honey,” Jongin mumbles against soft ruffled hair.

“Good morning, baby bear,” he feels Kyungsoo’s reply muffled in his shirt.

This is okay. This is normal. Jongin has learned to give in and follow these _urges_ he’d get when it comes to Kyungsoo: kissing his forehead, calling him “honey”, making him smile. This is what Jongin can give. _These are the_ **_only_ ** _things I can give_ , he thinks, watching his husband laugh as he scrolls through his phone.

And Kyungsoo deserves more.

  
  
  
  


Jongin likes to believe he is a practical person. Rational. Logical.

He is not sure if he is capable of love.

He mulls this over as he drives, contentedly listening to Kyungsoo humming in the passenger seat.

It was him who asked Kyungsoo out for the first time, yes, but he was fairly sure it was because of lust. The next one after that too, he supposes. Maybe he has grown to like Kyungsoo over the years they spent together. After all, the man isn’t hard to like: he cooks for him, brings him random flowers, has never missed a performance, kisses his bruises. He listens to Jongin. He sings him to sleep when his dark days come. He makes Jongin feel safe.

And Jongin may be incapable of love, but he is not incapable of gratitude. So he brings Kyungsoo flowers. Makes him his tea every night. Holds him until the panic subsides. Has never missed a performance. Makes him laugh, because Jongin is selfish and Kyungsoo’s laugh makes him feel _good._ He makes him smile. Calls him “honey” to see his blush.

When Kyungsoo proposed, Jongin immediately said yes, something he later panicked over because what had he done? He can’t trap Kyungsoo in a marriage with him. Kyungsoo deserves to be loved. Fully. Wholeheartedly. By someone who knows how to love. Not in the haphazard “am-I-doing-this-right?” way Jongin knows. _The only way he knows how to love._

So Jongin will divorce him. He feels the ache in his heart again, but fights it. Kyungsoo deserves a better man.

“It’s been a while since we came here,” Kyungsoo’s voice brings Jongin back from his thoughts. He watches as his husband shifts in his seat, the light from the sun forming a halo around him. An angel, Jongin thinks. An angel fell in love with him.

And he has to let him go.

“Yeah. We’ve both been busy,” Jongin remembers to answer just as he pulls in the parking space. He feels Kyungsoo’s soft hands take his own rough ones, and then a soft kiss is pressed on his knuckles.

“Still. We should have made time. I’m sure you missed your dad,” Kyungsoo’s voice is gentle, and Jongin, selfish man that he is, does not resist pressing a kiss to his nose.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hey, dad. How are you?” Jongin’s voice is soft, reverent even, as he puts the bouquet of lenten roses on his father’s grave. He feels Kyungsoo’s hand squeeze his shoulder, and a surge of warmth - and hope and dread and pain and _something else_ \- fills his chest.

 _Dad,_ he thinks, _help me. He deserves to be loved. He deserves the best. And yet I don’t want to let him go. I want to be the man he deserves. Am I selfish? Dad, help me._

He stands wordlessly, letting the gentle breeze ruffle his hair. He watches as Kyungsoo looks around, the golden afternoon sunlight making his brown eyes even more brown, his ethereal presence even more enchanting. 

A pure white butterfly flutters by, first hovering above the bouquet Jongin placed on the grave. And then slowly, ever so slowly, as if the butterfly wants both Jongin and Kyungsoo’s attention, it flies, fragile wings beating against the breeze.

Kyungsoo smiles as the butterfly settles on the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing. Jongin stares.

“Hey, baby bear,” Kyungsoo’s voice has a gentle lilt to it, almost amused. “I think this butterfly really likes me. Remember the first time you brought me here?”

And like the strangest, loveliest memory, Jongin is reminded: his younger self, crying over his father’s grave, swearing he will bring only the person who makes him believe in love again to meet his father, because no one else deserves that honor.

He brought Kyungsoo here. On their wedding day. A pure white butterfly was here then too. His father’s warm smile and words are suddenly ringing in his ears: _You have to let love happen to you, Nini._

Suddenly, everything is clear.

“Kyungsoo.”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”


End file.
